I hate my life and I’m about to fucking lose my shit
I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want people to try to cheer me up anymore. I don’t want to keep saying the same things I’ve been saying for a year. I don’t want to get sick again. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want you to tell me you’ll fix it. I just want to be alone forever until I die. And having a secret admirer was the worst thing that ever happened to me. And I wish no one wasted their breath trying to influence my feelings. I will never feel for anyone what I felt for Jamal and no one will disappoint me greater, or will leave me waiting longer. No one will have the opportunity to love me like he did while ignoring my dreams at the same time. No one will pull on my heart strings. No one will make me feel prettier. No one will grant me the happiness I felt for so long believing we would see the world together. That at the end of everyday I would see it with him. My heart failed me. My heart burned out before my mind. I am so bitter. I am so tired. I am so sad. I am so cynical. I am so empty you could shatter me with out great force. I have nothing left. I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed until I no longer saw you in my sleep. And when I no longer had dreams involving you I knew I would never want something so much again. My heart inflicted injury upon its self while shutting down. My emotions confuse me. I cry every quiet. But I cry a lot. When I cry I feel a heavy constant stream on my face. Like I can’t turn off my tears. And perhaps ill never cease to receiving these attacks upon myself. One part of me destroying another. As far as I know the human male species can refrain from entering my presence. Please let me cry alone. Let my insides eat me alive. Let my heart rip itself. Let me fall asleep alone again and again and again.
I will reclaim my happy go lucky nature in the future.
I don’t exist.
I wasn’t going to wait forever.
“Keep your heart open and love will always find a way in”
I do get sad. I’ve deleted most of the pictures of you. of us. Saved a few. I wanted us to be friends because I always meant it when I said you were my best friend. But it seems that it’s something that’s not possible for you. It seems that being my friend is too hard. But that’s fine. I removed myself. I walked away. I wish it was a feeling I could control. I wish I loved you like I did but ultimately you just let me down and made me waste my stupid dreams on someone who never expected that i would walk away when my needs weren’t fulfilled.